I'm really trying to seek the kingdom first and let everything else take care of itself.
(Trying.)
Truthfully, I have entered this new land. I can see the grapes, but the giants are scaring the hell out of me.
(Rid me of this fear lord.)
I am determined to be victorious through this. The creator did not bring us here to die, go broke, be made fools, have no identity, feel worthless.
(So god, why do I feel broke, foolish, like a nobody, and worthless?)
Sometimes I thought I could walk on water. I guess I've always had crutches.
Dear god, thank you for trials.
After checking up on the dismal lumber yard gig last week, a local French bistro owner, Anne-Marie (where I passed a brief audition to play music in her place this spring/summer) gave me the name of a home remodeling business owner.
I called him and met with him at the River Dog Diner the following Saturday morning.
All I can say is that EVERYTHING about the meeting went positive. He is definitely someone I would want to work for. He maintains a respectable schedule (M-F 8am-4:30), pays VERY well, and seemed to like me. He had planned to contact me Monday after seeing if one of his new employees would work out. The new guy hadn't showed up for a few days or something.
So Monday night I get an email from the business owner which said his employee showed back up after being ill for three days. He was going to try him out some more but really wanted to do something with me.
It sounds very promising. But I'm so weary of waiting. I'm going to keep looking. But I want this to work out too.
I confess, I have avoided writing any reports for a while. Primarily because I tire of using this blog as a whine-fest. I could write on the handful of folks I've met and the slow intertwined adventures that may begin. But I am low these days.
The basement reno project, my daily existence and lifeline, is oh so close to being complete. But our financial outlook is dismal. The choices that I clearly see are: 1) finish the basement and be flat broke or 2) start working (assuming there is work for me somewhere) and hope for better days ahead to finish the basement.
I think way too much. And hacking away at the basement gives me too much time alone to think.
I wonder if I've failed. If I missed something entirely in this whole assignment change. If I was supposed to move at all. These are nonsense thoughts I'm sure. But they plague me anyway.
On the bright side, my wife was given a job cleaning a local bank building 5 nights a week for about an hour each night. It pays around $20/hour. Viva la Canada to that. And I am being strongly considered for a position with a local lumber yard in running the yard as well as installation crew. It would be steady work. It's been a long time since I had 40+ hour a week employment. I don't know if that is what the creator is giving me or what. I talked to the owners of the lumber yard yesterday for a good 30 minutes. I gathered that they had no conscious in over-working and under-paying their employees. That left me feeling bleak.
Maybe the creator will open another door for me soon. I pray consistently on this subject. I hear only silence. The silence is making me nervous and feeling somewhat worthless.
I want to do independent house flipping again someday. Maybe this lumber yard gig is a path in that direction, etc
I plead again for your prayer coverage on this matter: the lord knows what I want and what I am good at. He's never put me somewhere that I wasn't meant to be. Maybe he is yet again preparing me for what I want...
I am finally waking up to the subtle feeling that every person in River Dog knows of me. This may be an exaggeration, but not by much.
This is a much different assignment than the fair mother city. Even though I knew what seemed like half that city back in Texas, there was still a fair amount of anonymity. That ain't going to happen here. And I guess I accept that.
In an unrelated note, I am experiencing a wait period. The Creator is having me wait on, god knows what? an identity? a job? a reason? I don't know.
Remodeling our basement was the only thing keeping me sane. But my wife had knee surgery last week. So now I'm Mr. Mom, doing all the kid duties 24/7. So it goes. Now I'm waiting on finishing the basement. The finish line is oh so close.
But on the identity/purpose front: I accepted a voluntary position on the Reach Out board as treasurer. I've never cared too much about non-prof boards and their ilk. But I'm in love with this rag-tag group. There's no room for politics. Everyone is either an aging grandma from the local poverty culture or some other weirdo. It looks like the Star Wars cantina scene.
I think I'll fit right in.
Many thanks for your communications with the creator in my behalf. I can feel them and see the results. Fears have dissolved. Things still don't make sense. But they've never made sense to the world around me. So, all is well.
I am still hacking away at the massive basement overhaul. It is about 80-85% finished. Almost there.
Things are opening up for us this year. I have great expectations, fear or not.
Other than that...it's still winter. There's almost 4 foot high snow banks beside my driveway. Like winter, it ain't going anywhere anytime soon. So meeting the locals are usually events that happen intentionally or indoors somewhere. No neighborhood stuff.
I've been under attack much lately, if not for the past three months. And that's OK, as I finally recognize what all of this is.
For years I've been a huge believer in spiritual warfare: being attacked by the things we cannot see and so forth. Unfortunately, the handful of christians I am surrounded by (mostly my wife's family) don't know or believe in too much of this subject. So seeking prayer, counsel, and help is dismal for the time being.
In the physical: I have no income, no local identity as of yet (except maybe as 'that guy from Texas'), we are living on the resources we brought with us from a couple of house sales in Texas last spring, and I am making our basement livable space by remodeling it top to bottom.
So in other words, we're spending a lot of money with nothing coming in. I've sought the lord on this numerous times, both before and during this remodel process. So far I hear silence. But all arrows point in the direction I'm going in. I a) have the time and b) am gaining massive experience in building/remodeling techniques in Canada (ie: moisture prevention and insulation techniques).
Add christmas mayhem in the mix and you have one guy like me going nuts. I haven't felt this much stress in my life.
But I trust all has a purpose. Hell, back in 2006 our life was dryer than dry. And The Creator still provided. Go figure.
These attacks have had me doubting my abilities, character, and purpose. I often wonder if moving to Canada was the right thing, being that this is a damn expensive place to dwell. But coins show up in fishes mouths on occasions, so I've seen.
I finally recognize these as attacks and not a 'huge mistake' on my part.
I request prayer back up. Thank you
I recently had a short dream where my cousin Mark and I were sitting at the Reach Out. There, someone had donated an airplane, one of those small, two-seater prop job types. "Oh good", said Mark. "Now we can fly over the Reach Out and get a good view of the entire region."
I really thought this was significant in a way only a dream can be to the individual who received it. I've been wanting to know exactly why the Creator brought us to this remote location to raise our family. And I've been wanting to know what was going on beyond what my eyes could see.
As mentioned before, in the native communities there is a huge blanket of distrust between them and white people. There is also much suicide and depression.
But within many white people throughout Canada, there is general unhappiness. I have met very few who truly enjoy or appreciate their job, career, and overall life. I know this is common throughout the US as well, but it seems more so in Canada.
Canadians enjoy higher wages and more benefits (health coverage, etc) than the average American. But there's no incentive within their jobs to work better. There's no joy in their life as evident to more smoking and drinking than I've ever seen. People are always looking for escape of some sort.
In Texas, I knew many who earned $7 - $10 an hour with no benefits yet were so full of life.
It seems like there is a huge void for Jesus around here.
I'm really trying to seek the kingdom first and let everything else take care of itself.
